Don't or Do and Die
by Ri-Ryn
Summary: If he'd remembered it was his birthday, Miyuki would've rather he died than have opened up the front door to his team's number 6 and company. [Semi AU] [Papa!Mochi] [Baby!Eijun] [Alternate Age] [Age Swap] [Crack-ish?] [Crealle Tumblr] *ONESHOT Birthday Fic*


**Title:** Don't or Do and Die

**Author:** Ri-Ryn

**Genre:** Humor/General

**Word Count:** 1005

**Rating:** M* (Content suitable for Mature Teens) / +T

**Disclaimer:** Diamond no Ace belongs to Yuji Terajima.

**Summary:** If he'd remembered it was his birthday, Miyuki would've rather he died than have opened up the front door to number 6 and company. [Semi AU] [Papa!Mochi] [Baby!Eijun] [Alternate Age] [Age Swap] [Crack-ish?] [Crealle Tumblr]

**Warnings:** Language/Cursing.

**A/N:** Inspired by Crealle's tumblr and Papa!Mochi Baby!Eijun comics along with Miyuki's birthday. ( tagged/Papa%21Mochi ). My roommate suggested a paper clip and snail when I asked her. Sorry for not uploading in forever, college is kicking my ass. And for Miyuki's birthday today, I dissected a fetal pig.

* * *

><p>0-0-0-0-0-0-0<p>

0-0-0-0-0

0-0-0

0

* * *

><p>Miyuki knew he shouldn't have answered the front door, finding Kuramochi scowling with a beaming Eijun.<p>

"Hey Miy-"

"Happy birthday, Miyuki Kazuya!" The proud five year old held out a paper clip and red plastic cup with an opaque lid littered with pin sized holes. Miyuki bent down on reflex to accept the items and gave Kuramochi a cursory, questioning glance.

"Hyaha! He heard from the team so he wanted to waste his time visiting your lonely butt." Kuramochi nodded to the cup, mussing Eijun's hair as the child grinned cheekily. "He spent all night searching for that monster."

Miyuki gave the cup an apprehensive sigh before removing the opaque lid…and slamming it right back on, choking back a sob and the fact that Kura-fucking-mochi thought he had a right to reproduce five years ago.

"Where in the HEL-"

"Oi!"

"…on Kami-sama's green Earth did he _find __**that monstrosity!?**_"

Kuramochi shrugged nonchalantly, probably reveling in the wake of his teammate's mental deterioration. "I don't know, somewhere between the old lady's fence and side walk?" He replied, referencing their duplex neighbor on the first floor.

Miyuki swallowed, refraining from pitching the red cup of Hell. Eijun was enjoying this, Kuramochi was enjoying this. Hell, even the fucking snail the size of a _baseball_, glistening body with its fluorescent eye stalks and shit colored shell, was probably enjoying this. (Life was a bitch, really, or Karma was returning its dues.)

"_**Why!?**_" Miyuki hissed, eyeing the shortstop suspiciously who held up his hands in surrender.

"Hya, not my fault! He was watching Animal World yesterday evening, saw a program." Kuramochi pointed to the cup. "You're lucky it's a normal one. Could have been one of the one's with a parasite that controls the brain, swelling the head and eyes before making it commit suicide by birds!" He finished with a vicious glee for the catcher's sake.

Miyuki stood stiffly, deeply pained. "I thought you were a _good_ dad!?" He retorted. "Why would you let Eijun watch that on Animal World!?"

Kuramochi gave Miyuki a pointed stare, labeling the catcher as the most ludicrous person in the world right now. "No naked people usually, I screen the upcoming programs, and no cursing? I think I did a darned good job."

"What if he saw, I don't know, nature at work? Hunting, eating cute little animals, blood and death and that junk? Aren't you worried you'll scare him?" Miyuki _thought_ he was raising a valid point of concern, the priority being preventing the thing in the cup or any other similar situations from ever happening again.

"Eijun." Kuramochi barked.

The child, who had taken to crouching and picking at his shoelaces and whatever enraptured his interest on the floor during their conversation, glanced up, expectantly curious.

"What happens when a lion meets an antelope?"

The five year old _glowed_. "Gyahraah!" He shouted vehemently, shaking his head viciously from side to side to emulate the eating of wildlife at the jaws of a predator.

"Good. Why?"

"To eat and live on and be strong!"

Kuramochi smugly preened at Miyuki.

"…You conditioned that…you _monster_…"

"Hyahahaha, maybe? Maybe not. Besides, the real monster's in the cup of your hand. It's all a life lesson, anyway."

"Eijun, why don't you show Miyuki how it's done while I go get the cake in the bike basket, okay?" And like the wind on his indisputably fast legs, Kuramochi was gone again down six flights of stairs.

Miyuki chanced a peek down, seeing the adorable boy grinning at his ankle, teeth beginning to show, and tried to work his dry to tongue and swallow. _**No.**_

He quickly crouched again, focusing on the boy's eyes and blocking Eijun's prey from visual sight.

"Hey, Eijun, what's its name?" He presented the cup with Satan in it, hoping for reprieve. _Satan? Huh, it already has a name, though Kuramochi would kill me if I told Eijun that._

"You already know, Miyuki Kazuya!" Eijun grinned toothily, no hesitance. "Mai-chan!"

Normally, he'd correct the little brat about properly addressing him not using his full name (a habit the damn team had _ingrained_ in Eijun starting at the tender age of _two_), but his curiosity was piqued. Naturally, Eijun tended to agonize over these kinds of questions, but today's answer was offered promptly.

"I do?" He did? "How?"

"I was under your bed."

Eijun crawled under his bed? Probably when he'd been asleep.

"It was in the books with the booby onee-tachi!"

Under his bed? _Shit, under his bed! _If Kuramochi heard—

"What was that Eijun?" Kuramochi stood behind Eijun, stiff as stone, cake in hand.

"There's a bunch of really pretty booby onee-tachi under Miyuki Kazuya's bed!"

If looks could kill, Miyuki would have time to visit all seven levels of Dante's Inferno. "I can explain!"

"You left your," with his free hand he drew one of Eijun's ears into his pant leg and covered the other with his free palm, "_fuckin' porno mags out with my __**son**__!?_"

"They were clothed?" Miyuki weakly defended, backing away. "At least he read the good ones? It _was_ Horikita Mai he was reading."

"**Hardly**!" Kuramochi drew his hand back, slamming the vanilla-peach birthday cake down to the porcelain plate into his face before snatching his child to leave. "That's why you'll never get a girlfriend! Pay good attention Eijun, bad men like him are _forever alone_." Last bit of wisdom done, he fled with his son.

That was the _last _time Daiki was staying over and leaving his magazines in his room. They were burning _tonight_. Miyuki swiped his tongue out, tasting the present and conceding Eijun and Kuramochi had fantastic taste.

He shivered, body going ramrod straight as something _moist_ oozed its way up his left arm. He hesitantly swiped his glasses with his right hand, clearing away any frosting from his vision and looked down into two repulsive, beady eyes.

Oh, look, it was Mai-chan coming to say hello to her new flat mate…

"HOLY SHIT KURAMOCHI, TAKE HER BACK WITH YOU!"

* * *

><p>0-0-0-0-0-0-0<p>

_FIN_

0-0-0-0-0-0-0

* * *

><p><em>Happy 17<em>_th__ Birthday,_

_Miyuki Kazuya_


End file.
